A Letter to Men

Hey All,

Let me preface this really quickly by saying it was a blessing to have so many of you guys ask me questions! REAL, honest, why-are-girls-so-crazy kind of questions. Thanks to Tiffany for the idea. She's had men write letters to women, and now I feel "up to the challenge" of hopefully encouraging my brothers in Christ to have a better understanding of us woman-folk! I took the questions the men were asked in these letters, as well as some specific questions from guys that submitted them. It's long, but hopefully worth the read. If you have thoughts, please share. I'd like to know how much of this makes sense!

Brother in Christ,

Let me start out by thanking you for your questions. Thank you for having the courage to ask specific questions about us women. I will openly admit that we are confusing, difficult to understand, and sometimes even a little crazy. Hopefully this letter can help clarify a few things in your mind and heart as you pursue the Lord and the plan He has for your life, whether that includes a wife or not. I will also admit to you that dating and relationships have been a huge “thorn in my side” so-to-speak. I have had enough experience dating the wrong kind of guys to have a solid idea of what not to look for. I hope and pray that this letter can be encouraging to you and that God will continue to work in your heart to make your desire for Him greater than any longing to be in a relationship.

As for what attracts me to a guy, I will give you a perfectly cliché, hallmark, Sunday School answer. He absolutely must be “souled out” for Christ. When I think about a potential relationship, I will consider what that person is willing to for the Lord (which should be ANYTHING). There is nothing more attractive than a man who prays and encourages those around Him. One of (if not the MOST) attractive qualities in a guy is his heart for the Lord. As for what I notice, I pay a great deal of attention to a man’s words. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Does he spend his time tearing others down, or building them up? Is he so passionately in love with Christ that he can’t help but share what the Lord is doing? Do his words match his actions and the way he lives his life? I am only a woman, and I wish I could say that looks don’t matter at all. I put a great deal less emphasis on them than I have in the past, but essentially, girls like to see some effort! Put on a button down shirt. Wear jeans. Take care of yourself. Those are good places to start!

In regards to what I’m “looking for” in a potential relationship, the key thing to me is that I shouldn’t have to look very hard.  I understand that people can be guarded, and guys especially may not be comfortable talking about emotions. That’s not what I’m referring to. The qualities I look for should be obvious parts of them that can’t help but shine through. I am looking for someone to be a “battle buddy” and a “running partner” (not real running, let’s be honest). I know this sounds kind of strange. But honestly, I am looking for someone to fight alongside me to do the Lord’s work. I want a “lion chaser,” meaning, someone who will actively pursue the Lord and isn't afraid of a challenge. I will be as honest as I can be, I am stubborn and for the most part, like to take care of myself. I need a guy who can keep up with me. For this reason I don’t look for someone who treats me like I might break if you squeeze too hard. I want someone who will be a spiritual leader but will also spur me on to a stronger relationship with Christ. Someone who isn't afraid to call me out on tough issues and be genuine with me, even if that’s difficult to do. I don’t think I’m comfortable with being in a relationship where I am supported. I need more than someone to cheer from the sidelines; I want someone to actively participate with me in reaching the lost for Christ.

If you are curious about a girls’ intentions, my advice and encouragement is to be honest. Be honest. Be honest. Be honest. If you find that a girl is pursuing YOU; you’re doing it wrong. I am an extremely independent person, but I will not chase after a man. I will not ask you what your intentions are in hopes that you want to date me, court me, or otherwise pursue me. If you are at the point in a friendship/potential relationship where you think a girl may have developed feelings for you or may be romantically interested, you need to DTR—stat. I’m talking about a face-to-face, sit down, talk it out kind of session. I know, a guy’s worst nightmare. But I am perfectly serious. Tell her your intentions in a clear and respectful way, and ask her to explain hers as well. And for goodness’ sake, encourage her to GUARD HER HEART. If you cannot be honest enough or bold enough to sit down and explain the way you feel to your sister in Christ, then you do not need to be pursuing her. You do not need to date her. Your best bet is to tell her specifically all you want is friendship, and pray for her as a brother in Christ.

 I can’t speak for all women, and unfortunately, many a guy has thought that I was romantically interested when all I wanted was a friendship. I believe friendship is the best basis for any relationship. Girls flirt. We like attention. We like to be told we’re pretty and we even like those cute little messages you send us, just because. Sometimes we like the attention and we go along with it because it encourages us to know that guys will treat us well. This doesn't mean that we are ready for a relationship or that we are interested. It varies girl to girl on how that’s expressed. We are called to encourage each other and love one another as brothers and sisters in Christ! This does not mean we are dating! So unless we've specifically had that conversation, you can safely assume that we are friends. But again, if you feel that a girl may be developing those feelings, be brave and talk with her about it. That’s the best way to clarify and understand each other.

If you want to encourage your sister in Christ, there are plenty of little (or big) ways you can do this. Encourage her to read the Word. Speak truth in her life when she needs it (but speak it in love, please and thank you!). Open her doors for her. Be her friend. Make her laugh. Listen to her, I mean really, listen. Ask her to put more clothes on. In a world where men are trying to see as much of women’s bodies as they can, it is refreshing to have a guy ask a girl to put on a sweater/wear leggings under that really short dress/etc. I had someone respectfully ask me something similar once, and it took me by surprise—but I was thrilled. Encourage us to be modest, and tell us if we are causing you to stumble. Remind her that Godly men do exist. Serve her by living a life that reflects the love of Christ! There is nothing more encouraging and refreshing then to see men my age that are entirely wrapped up in doing the Lord’s work. Finally, always be praying for her.

A quick comment on Proverbs 31, you should read it. You should look for it in the women in your life. It is a great guide for a Godly woman! BUT—look for a woman who emanates Christ above all else! It’s one thing to desire to serve men as a Godly woman, using Proverbs 31 as an example. It’s entirely different if a woman is trying to be the perfect future Mrs. Whoever. I think that’s a trap many women our age can fall into. If you've found a Godly woman, and she isn't ready to date or isn't comfortable with that kind of relationship at this point in her life, appreciate that. Respect that. Don't settle for less. There is a difference between convenience and connection! Don't settle for a girl that's a non-believer just because it means you can have a hot date or a good lookin' girlfriend. A real woman is worth waiting for, and more than likely, she'll make you wait! 

When pursuing a girl, it’s important to know what she thinks of as “dating”. It can mean many things to many women. I am one of “those girls” and I like to read Josh Harris books about good ol’ fashioned courtships. But I have many friends that are comfortable with anything from casually dating to being friends first or even courting. We all have different experiences and convictions that shape the way we handle relationships. Talk about it with the girl you are pursuing and agree upon the boundaries and expectations of your relationship early on! This will save a lot of headache, I speak from experience. 

Many of you asked about discussing failures/struggles with sin/past relationships/past sexual impurity. Phew. That’s a tough issue. When it comes to you talking about things that you struggle with currently or have had problems with in the past; there’s a time a place for it. A first date or over coffee? That’s probably not the ideal time. But there is a need for that conversation. I’ve read Wild At Heart, and that makes me an expert on men. (Ha-ha, that was a joke…It’s a touchy subject so that’s your comic relief) But from what I’ve heard and read, men feel that failure somehow mars them. Failure isn’t a reality in Christ! We are redeemed and restored through His incredible love. Failure turns to victory and growth in the presence of Christ! Pray that God will use your struggles to build your strength in His grace. Rejoice in the ways God has overcome your struggles for you and the times He has moved in your heart to remind you of it. We all have a past. We all sin. We are unworthy of the precious love of our Savior, but He gives it freely. Your sin was nailed next to mine on the Cross. The beauty in our stories comes from the things He has overcome in us. There is no shame in Christ! NO SHAME!

That being said, we women are imperfect. We have struggled too. While you may feel that your struggle somehow automatically disqualifies you, women have a seemingly universal struggle as well. The lies of the enemy tell us that our struggle makes us unworthy. That we don’t deserve better. That we aren’t good enough. When (not if—when) these lies start to come to mind or attack your heart (or even the heart of the girl your dating) we are comforted in knowing that our GOD is greater and He made us in HIS image. We are sensitive about our pasts. We are hesitant to talk about our hurts and wounds in our hearts. You are not alone in being anxious about having that conversation, and you are not alone in the struggle. We are all redeemed and made beautiful (err uh, handsome!) in Christ. I encourage you to share the things you’ve struggled with, and pray for one another.

In closing, women are all so different. We are each unique, beautiful creations in Christ, and we deserved to be treated as such. We’re royalty! No, I don’t mean Disney princesses (though sometimes I wish…). We are daughters of the King of Kings and He made us to be loved and respected. He made woman from Adam’s rib; to be his equal, by his side, and near to his heart. We want courageous men. Men who are bold in their faith and who will live a life of character and reckless abandon for the Lord! I pray that you seek the Lord above all else and have faith that the very Creator of our universe took the time to hand-fashion a woman for you and for your heart. Keep pressing on towards the calling God has for you!

--Your Sister in Christ